You're my little dorito
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
