i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
