I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
