Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
