Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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