If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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