Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
