Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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