I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
