I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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