How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
