We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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