Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
