I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
