Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
