Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
