I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
3pm strippers are depressing
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
