i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
