I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my shit smells like andre
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
