since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
