I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize