I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
