why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
