I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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