She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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