Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
