mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
