So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
