We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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