I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
So many bounce houses so little time
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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