After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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