which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
