My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I just cut my nipple shaving
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
