I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
