i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
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You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
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Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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