I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
