Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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