you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
