Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
