Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
