found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
