I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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