closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
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Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
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the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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