Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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