whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
