shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You are a genius and a whore.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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