Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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