Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
