Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
