Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Randomize
