The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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