Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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