There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
