The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
