ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
