New invention idea: vibrating tampons
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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