you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
