Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
