I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
