Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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