i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
